Forget the Haters

I’ve decided that instead of going silent, I’ll just type my experiences in case someone in the future ever comes across this blog and gets information that I’m struggling to get.

How to do donor eggs in government.

How did we get here?

I’ve always known my FSH and AMH were terrible. I wasn’t negative without cause, I know my body. Just as much as I know what side effects it’s feeling… Ok, let’s not go there.

I ended up with two eggs. One ugly, one great. One beautiful embryo. And one empty womb and empty pocket.

The doctor asked me if he should give me donor egg information. I told him I’m not made of money and would be going back to ‘the government place.’ I have an appointment for next month. Actually, it’s in exactly a month’s time. Now that we have moved, I also qualify for the other government place and I contacted them in case the original government place is too full this year. They said I should fax in my referral letter and they’d contact me regarding an appointment. Three days later and the weekend has come with no communication. But at least I have an appointment SOMEWHERE. It’s just that SOMEWHERE is chocablock because they have fewer doctors this year. And I don’t know what Dr H will say about me.

I do know he’s told other women with better AMH than me that they should consider donor eggs.

And so… I am back full circle to the day I went to the gynae last year May and received my results.

I’m back seriously considering donor eggs. That day I had even logged onto n.urture’s website and asked for a password to look at donor profiles and I’d found an adoptee who I fell in love with. Maybe because I have adopted children?

She’s still available. And they still charge money, lol.

But my other ‘government place’ friend will be using a known donor, someone who used to clean at her office. And HER friend who fell pregnant used her domestic worker’s eggs to conceive twins. It’s more affordable that way. I just don’t know anybody I could ask!

On the other hand though, I know someone at one of the government facilities who has had three failed donor egg transfers. Donor egg doesn’t mean we’ll suddenly have babies. At the end of the day, implantation is out of our control, no matter how many beautiful embryos we have.

They’ll be going for the final FET. Imagine that! They had multiple transfers from one cycle. A luxury we can’t have with our busted eggs. I really hope this will be the one(s) that stick(s). It’s not nice failing and failing and failing.

This is the last year I work on conceiving. I’ve desired, prayed for it, begged for it for 10 years. If this is not the year, then so be it. The TTC journey ends December 2018.

Hopefully it will end with a swollen belly.

I’m not sure what Dr H will say. If he strongly suggests donor egg, I’ll be ready with my options. If not, I’ll be ready with my eggs. And wondering how long we’ll wait before actually starting treatment. When you’ve spent money twice at a private facility where you can choose your start date, that choice aspect is GREAT but doesn’t matter much if you’re not rich. The money matters. And money doesn’t grow on trees. Sadly, neither do babies! So here we are like the majority of IVFers. Waiting, failing, crying, hoping, waiting.




I just saw this post and I don’t know who it was directed at, seeing as all women have different experiences with meds or hormones, just like women react differently to the pill, but it left a very sour taste in my mouth.

Whether this woman was responding to my most recent post, or to someone else, it hit a nerve.  I only assume it is in response to my post, considering the date it was written and language and wording used.

The title of the post was “Hypochondriac Much?”

“Can I just say…. From my own experience. The injections were normal, no pain, no headaches, no nausea, no mood swings. Absolutely nothing. The most taxing thing about my ICSI cycle was doing egg retrieval with local anesthetic and even that wasn’t bad with Dr T.

Like literally, it isn’t that bad, calm down.”

I’m done blogging my ICSI journey. That last line joined with the title of the post, especially, just killed it for me. It’s so demeaning, so patronising and minimises what is someone’s honest account of what they are experiencing. Whether it is me or someone else the writer is referring to is immaterial. All I know is that someone is comparing herself to others and judging their body’s responses..and calling them hypochondriacs because they don’t respond the way she did. You cannot know how bad something is for someone else unless you are in their body. Not even if you used the exact same meds on the exact same day at the exact same dosages on someone with exactly the same hormone levels and diet, could one presume to know how “bad” something is for someone else. That’s like me saying to someone who had OHSS, “Well, the side effects aren’t that bad, I never got it, you hypochondriac!”

I thought we were all meant to be supporting each other, not tearing each other’s personal experiences down or mocking them or labelling them. This is not the space I want to be in when this is my last ever chance of conceiving what was kept from me for over ten years. This just made my heart sink so bad.

I’d understand if they were saying, “Hey, newcomers, some people are posting their not-so-pleasant experiences but we don’t all go through the same thing. I’ve been on exactly the same meds, same dosages for same length of time, and this is my experience. Yours may not be as bad as others are, keep your chin up.” That’s such a different tone and vibe than the above. VERY different. It definitely wouldn’t make me want to hide my words.

Thanks for the support, ‘Crazy Beautifuls.’ I hope there’s emotional healing soon and a positive that sticks. If this works, I’ll let you know under your posts and then leave you in peace to deal with your own future that I hope will be super bright. Same with Miss 15 weeks and counting with a small ‘p’. I’ll let you know under one of your posts how things went.


I’m out. The public journey is over.


Oy, Cetrotide! That stuff is horrible. It’s the worst of the lot. And this includes the horrible pergoveris that stings as it enters and you can actually feel it spreading through the tissue. Cetrotide was not very kind to me yesterday. I got a huge welt immediately and it stung and itched! I started worrying I’d have a generalised reaction and need to quit it. It’s awful. I can’t imagine the even worse PIO injections-the pregseterone ones. My doctor will either be prescribing cyclogest or crinone. I’m hoping for the cyclogest but first we need to need it…

The hot flashes still continue, seem to be worse actually, and some nausea every few days or so. Other than that, and dreading today’s injections, I’m doing ok but so nervous for tomorrow. I’m just so aware of what can go wrong that I’m almost paralysed. I just wish I knew what was going on inside so I know what to expect tomorrow.

10:30am cannot come soon enough.

Tygerberg Ladies

Is it true?

My WhatsApp lady who’s moving onto donor egg has heard that Dr. T is on sabbatical for the year so she’s going to wait. Plus the donor herself is not ready yet. I already knew Dr N would be on maternity leave.

Where does that leave everyone?

Or it’s not true? Have they got replacement doctors in place? I know Tyg.erberg sees a large volume of people…

I’m still ok. Thrush. Yuck. I get them when on the pill and am assuming it will keep coming till this whole thing is over-estropause included. It’s gonna be a looooooong wait for my body to go back to normal. Just hoping this attack ends before Monday’s scan. Tomorrow I start cetrotide to prevent ovulation. Clicks didn’t have it in stock so my husband asked them to get it delivered from UPD so he’ll get it today on his way home from work.

Monday is a make or break appointment. My husband will be there. Well, he’ll be there for retrieval and transfer too obviously, but I’ve never reached that stage and so I usually go alone. But he’s on leave on Monday so… Here we go. I really pray, desperately pray that we get a retrieval date, that we see two good follicles at a minimum on Monday. Though my husband is even tempted to try even if there’s one. What do you think?


The Singing Lady Hasn’t Gained Enough Weight to be Fat

Ergo, the fat lady has not sung. Not yet.

My gut reaction during yesterday’s scan was, “Oh my word, we have even fewer follicles than last time. We are doomed!”

Then when the doctor discounted the two smaller follicles and predicted that only one would grow, my mind was made up.

Until I got home, spoke to my husband, and later remembered how we had decided that if we still had a poor response (ie. two follicles only) this round, we would still go ahead. And then I also remembered that at the first scan last time, though all four follicles were small just like this round (well, for two. The other one is bigger) two of them did grow to normal size quite quickly. And I thought,

“Who says that can’t happen this time? Should we cancel so soon? What if the next two scans show growth in those two? Is it worth scrapping all the emotions and money invested before we are certain that the fat lady has sung?”

After a back and forth with the clinic, they agreed. We aren’t scrapping it until Monday’s scan. I’ve been given a prescription for cetrotide that I’ll start on Saturday. Hope is back. Probably going to fall flat on my face, but people with many follicles also have cycles that end with a negative. We know I have DOR. We know we’ll never have eggs to freeze anyway. We know we don’t have much to work with. So…might as well stop wasting money on cycles we don’t see to the end.

I know it’s possible. One lady on the facebook group had only two follicles. Each one had an egg. Each egg fertilised. And implanted. Yes, she got pregnant with twins. I may very well end up with a live baby from this pitiful number of eggs. It’s all a gamble. A gamble we might be taking next week.


Donor Egg Came Up

All those injections, all those rands spent on the medication, all the supplements to improve egg quality-I’d actually stopped the DHEA. Maybe it was the one that at least gave me one extra follicle last time? All this… For nothing. Again, follicles too small and I don’t even have 4 this time, just three and only one that looks like it has life.


Who would spend R40 000 on one measly follicle that might not even contain an egg?

I met a different doctor today because yeah, I assume he was closest to the office or he’s the one who’s meant to be available this month. He’s a nice one too. But doesn’t mean I didn’t burst into tears at the end.

I didn’t think it would hurt this bad. I thought I was prepared. But I let sneaky hope and faith in and actually thought we’d see great results. And hey, if one part of my dream could come true, why not the other?

Donor egg came up.

He said if the new meds he’s prescribed for me to start from day 2 of my next cycle don’t work, then donor egg needs to be the next conversation. Honestly, if it was exactly the same cost as for myself, I’d do it now. I’d do it in a heartbeat. My adopted children ‘feel’ like my own, I know I can handle an ‘adopted egg.’ I just want to be pregnant. I want to feel that life growing inside of me this time. But money is a factor. And it’s a factor we just can’t commit to. Ever.

I see my chances dwindling. Pipe dream? A dream that will only come true for others?

What makes it worse is I might have to sit February out because we’ll be in the KZN during the very week I’m meant to go in for my day 7 and 9 scan. Pity they don’t have a satellite office for me to use there. I’d rather go for monitoring scans in a foreign city and liaise with the doctor than miss out on a whole cycle.

But, what we want doesn’t always count, now does it? Hey,maybe my period will be delayed. Then we could do it next month. Sigh

I’m just sad. Never at all did I expect things to be even worse than last time right from the beginning. This totally hit me hard. Why did I think it would happen?

PS. I’ll be doing two vials of Pergoveris starting on day 2. Now I wait for this cycle to end. . I wish I didn’t have to worry about over suppression, I’d go on the pill and time my cycle to start in Feb AFTER our little getaway. And this is a big deal. We haven’t ever taken our little kiddies anywhere out of the province before. ie. we haven’t gone away since before 2014. We need that break. Pity my mind won’t take a break from TTC. Did I mention that I’m sad?



See my last post first.

I just called the clinic  and… This is crazy. The receptionist tells me I can book for next week because my doctor isn’t there today.

Then I ask if there’s ANY doctor there this week.

Nope. There are none.

I am waiting for the receptionist to call the coordinator and then she’ll call me back.

Can’t anything go smoothly?

We’d discussed my dates via email, they called to confirm. And now I’m in limbo with a whole lotta meds in my system and no sperm to at least try naturally if they cancel on me.

How much more anxiety can a heart take?

(Now 9:23 and still waiting. Decided to update some friends visit WhatsApp and forgot I was updating you too.)


Day 6 last time, was my first scan, already on that day, the doctor had started whispering about canceling, as my follicles were all too smile and lining too thin. Then only two follicles bothered to grow after that, and second scan led to him asking if we seriously wanted to go ahead. Third choice but to cancel.

Today is day 7 and (if they have an opening when I call today) my first scan. I need those follicles to be bigger than 7mm. I need that psychological advantage to feel like we have a decent chance of this working. Last night I dreamt I went in but Dr. wasn’t there so the IVF co-ordinator and the receptionist were going to do my ultrasound in a surgical theatre. There was ‘debris’ in two places, but many beautiful and LARGE follicles. Not sure I want unknown “debris” in me, but I’d LOVE beautiful follicles!

It’s 6:45am. I’ll call at 8:30am when they open, and see what time is available for me to go in.

I’m nervous.

Wednesday: Hmmm

I went on cycle day 6 last time, and had four follicles at 6mm and 7mm. From day 7 onwards, only two of the four grew.

This time, my first scan will be on day 7. This Wednesday. I hope everything will be looking better by then.

Oh, I didn’t say?

Yes, my cycle has begun without fanfare nor fear this time. Well, no fear of the injections. Took me much longer mixing up four powders than the two. Duh! And it’s every day as opposed to every second day. I hope we see better results.

I don’t know how I feel. Sometimes positive and just wishing the days away till my positive beta and ongoing pregnancy. And sometimes I’m terrified I’m throwing money at something that will fail. I just want these days to zoom by so I know either way.

So far, no side effects from the clomid. Last time I had hot flashes at night-I took the pills in the morning. Maybe because now I’m taking them at night that’s why my nights are sweat free? Or it’s yet to start? My husband is convinced I’m having them during the day because he’s ALWAYS feeling hot but today I was suddenly feeling hot when he claimed it wasn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that all is well. No broken vials, no shards of glass in my hand like some people have had who didn’t protect themselves when dealing with the menopur.

Injecting till Wednesday. He’d said depending on the size, we’d probably decrease my dose at that appointment. We’ll see. It can’t come soon enough.